Monday, 22 June 2009
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Last night I went to The Place for the first time since that dark night last summer when we snuck out to say our goodbyes. It's a place I rarely go, and every time I think of it now, I think of him. Last night I wanted to tell my friends so badly that the place was The Place, but I couldn't. I could only try over and over to push the thoughts away and think of it as just a place, not The Place where he last held me like I was his. The Place where we last linked hands. The Place where he last told me how far his adoration went. The Place where we were last alone together. The Place where he watched me walk away from us.
Every time I see a couple lost in each other, I think of him -- not X.
What's my problem? I don't even like the kid. Anymore.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
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twenty things I wish I could say
1. Find a life. Big words and bulldozing everybody else won't do anything for you, and it doesn't do anything for me. Get over yourself and quit thinking you have a right to stick your face in my business.
2. I'm not interested. But the rose was sweet, thanks.
3. I'm definitely definitely not interested. Stalking me and following me everywhere isn't helping. Please. Leave me alone.
4. The reason I was in a bad mood last night was because of you. You hurt me in the worst way you could have: ultimate betrayal and rejection of what I've spent the last four months on. I thought our friendship went deeper than that, but I'm realizing that you are just using me whenever you need someone. The guys that really care about me are the ones that made an effort to be there. I can't believe I fell head first for it. I won't be able to trust your words of admiration again for a long time. Maybe never. What a player. PS. I couldn't care less about your car.
5. You are so immature. Such a highschooler. Get over yourself and stop trying to be best friends with the whole world. And quit using me to get to my guy friends. They're cool, I know. But there's a reason why they're my friends and not yours.
6. I never ever saw myself with you. I'm sorry, but there's no future. The sooner you get over it, the better. And please make it soon so we can go back to the awesome friendship we had. Thanks.
7. You're ruining your life. Why? Oh btw, quit being obnoxiously loud in public.
8. You are an incredible flirt. The way you bounce from one guy to the next absolutely astounds me. And then you think we're going to be bff when you need it? You think I don't know everything you've said about me and done to hurt me? Yeah RIGHT. I've heard the things the guys say about you behind your back about you being one of them and sometimes I feel sorry for you. They don't respect you and honestly consider you as one of the guys. But then I realize, you brought it all upon yourself by not respecting yourself when you're around them.
9. I miss you. It's just not the same. You think you're doing everything right, but you're making the worst mistake of the year. You act like you're married. I don't understand how you think you're never with him, when you don't spend a moment not with him. When you can't be, you text him, talk to him on the phone, or tell me all about the petty little things he did that you got mad at. I guess it's called being in love - but you definitely are going about it in the most immature way. I really don't want to hear his name any more. He's a first-class jerk. I would tell him a thing or two if he wasn't your boyfriend and I had to be nice to him for your sake. Why would you do this to yourself, me, and the whole campus? It's ruining it. I sometimes wonder what this year would have been like if you would have had time for us.
10. I've spent the whole year thinking about you and imagining a future. In my mind, you're the only one here for me. It just can't be now. As much as you aren't afraid to show your admiration for me to the whole campus, that just makes it harder for me to keep from you the fact that I've had some level of a crush on you the whole freakin' year. I've wished I could tell you that so many times. But I couldn't, for your sake and mine. I'm realizing how bad you are for me right now. Please grow up and contact me in three years so we can have a happily ever after. Meanwhile, I'll try to get over the idea that we are meant for each other. Thanks.
11. I know that you liked me before her. I know that you were going to ask me first. Surprise. I know more than you people give me credit for.
12. Actually, I was one of the masterminds behind the entire thing. Ha. If I can't trust you, it's only fair that I take advantage of your trust in me. Twisted, I know. But that's what I was feelin'.
13. It's really not that great to sneak into the guy's dorm. Especially not when the whole campus is in another building. How lame. I've done it twice in the middle of the day. Suck on that.
14. You're not as great as you think you are, and I don't like you as much as you think I do. Quit singling me out. Please.
15. I know you like him. You don't do well at hiding it. Please quit taking it out against me for him liking me. It's not my fault, and I'd give him to you in a heartbeat if I could. Sorry charlie, life isn't always fair.
16. I was over you and onto the next crush before I left. Remember that hug? Yeah well the whole time I was wishing I was somewhere else. Anywhere else.
17. Get some DO for your BO.
18. She likes you, a lot. She's amazing and is exactly what you need. You two would be the perfect couple - and the first one I could sincerely root for. Could you please like her? On second thought, maybe you don't deserve her.
19. Get over your shyness and ask her out. If you don't act soon, she'll be gone. And quit letting other girls flirt with you, I know you don't mean it to, but it sends the wrong message.
20. I really, really admire you. If you didn't have a girlfriend, I would definitely have a crush on you.
Sunday, 07 June 2009
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I would never admit it to anyone, but I remember.
Every once in a while when I hear the right country song or am forced to think about specific details of that blissful summer, my heart hurts.
I don't know how else to describe it, but theres an ache in my chest right where my heart belongs that kind of pulls at an emptiness. Maybe it's all in my head, but at those times it really feels like a tiny piece of my heart is missing.
And I know where it is.
It's inside another heart out there, beside the stolen moonlit summer walks and long midnight phone calls.
The thing is, I do everything I can to hide the hole. I've patched it up countless times with my independence, jadedness, and improved judgement. I pretend like it's not there and convince everybody that it never was.
Everybody including myself, except for those rare times when I can feel the gap, feel the emptiness of what was.
I can't imagine myself being that close to anyone for a long time. To be honest, the idea repulses me. I picture myself with another, but when I think about gazing into their eyes, letting down my guard, and allowing their heart to connect that closely with mine, I quickly look away. Deep down, it's what I long for; but not now, and not with anybody I know. Including him. I've immersed myself in my singleness with a jaded view of relationships. And I would never go back. Those times were good, but my life now is just as happy, if not more so. It's just a different kind of happiness.
But when I resurface and feel the tug on my heart, I know one thing.
He still has a piece of it. -
As I passed the opposite team under the volleyball net that dark night, he held out his hand for a customary post-game high-five. Customary as in something that's always done, but it wasn't happening that night among all the new kids. But he stuck with tradition. Or maybe it was attraction.
But the instant our hands touched, I felt the spark. I had no idea I could even feel that way with him, and wouldn't have believed it without it happening. The high-five was more like a slow-motion brush of our hands. It was probably two seconds until either of us moved on, but it felt like five minutes.
I don't know what made me not move my hand, but at that moment I was paralyzed. It felt as a force was holding it there. The amazing part is that he felt it too, and didn't keep moving forward as normal.
As our hands slowly brushed, I couldn't breathe. My breath didn't come back until a couple moments later on the other side of the court. It was so obvious that something had taken place, but we both kept walking in opposite directions like it hadn't. I could feel the passion from across the yard, and couldn't unglue my eyes from him. The instant our eyes met later that night after he walked into the room, my heart stopped beating again. From his gaze, I knew that he felt it too. I was breathless the rest of the night.
So much for wondering if we had chemistry.
Long after we had left for our host homes, he called me to supposedly ask what time the group was supposed to meet in the morning. He dragged on the conversation for as long as possible. The pathetic thing was how eager I was to hear his voice, and how breathless I was the entire time we talked.
Everytime I look up while singing to find him gazing at me from the back of the room, I can feel the passion again. It feels so alive, and even though we've never voiced it, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that we are both feeling the energy. Oddly enough, I am content in the knowledge that he's taken aback by me, that the constant flirting of other girls doesn't scare me. We all know that I have his attention, so I don't feel the need to try to earn it like they do. Probably a good thing at this point.. -
It felt like he ripped my heart when he walked out.
I couldn't believe it. Here, after four months of asking me about it, wishing he could hear us, missing all our pre-programs, making sure he was back for this, and always talking about our music, he walked out.
He. Walked. Out.
With him went all my trust and respect for him. He didn't have the decency to make time to hear my thing. And he didn't care. He didn't realize how important it was to me. He didn't understand that he was the sole person I was doing the program for.
Later he brought it up flippantly, admitting that he wasn't there for the song he had said he would compare. He only heard the first three songs, which showed nothing of our real music. Later that night, he acted like we were best buds, giving special attention to me and texting me invites of a ride. He either knew he was a jerk and was trying to make up for it, or was clueless that he has to add to this relationship too and was just being a plain selfish jerk. Either way, he's a jerk in my book.
It shouldn't have been such a big deal to me, but I thought our friendship was deep enough that he would at least give me the time of day. The other guys who missed it because they were gone for the weekend were extremely dissapointed and expressed it to me later. The guys who showed up were amazed and expressed that to me later. So it's only natural that I would be already be mad when he walks out, and has the guts to express that to me later. Right? But I still shouldn't care. I didn't realize I was one of those girls who gets mad at the guy for the smallest things while he is unaware. But this was the ultimate thing he could have done to hurt me; most other things I could get over. And I suppose I will eventually, but at the moment it doesn't feel like it.
Just wait until he hears the news that I got a rose this weekend. From another guy who actually cared enough to stay for the whole thing.
I don't know why I always put my happiness in the guys that hurt me in the worst way possible. I really thought he was made of more than this, and keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But maybe I'm glad to have a reason to hate him. It definitely makes leaving in two weeks and not seeing him again in the same way just a little bit easier.
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- Name: anothersummer
- Member Since: 6/7/2009
- First Name: anothersummer
- About Me: Sometimes things aren't meant to be shared. Sometimes the truth would do more damage than good. Sometimes you love someone enough that you care more about their long-term good than your need to tell them what you've been dying to. I'm just a college girl with a jaded view of relationships, a bad habit of staying up way too late, and words that I need to get out. This is where it all happens, probably more for my good than anyone else's.
